Category Archives: Musings

Where I figure out what my life is about

A Place at the Table

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A Place at the Table was a thought-provoking documentary. Susan and I went to see it today at the lovely Rose Theatre in Port Townsend.

I have become very aware of the cost of food in the last year, with my “situation,” but I realized, after watching this movie, I don’t have it bad at all. Really.

Watching the people featured in the film battle just for a meal – of any sort – was heartbreaking. And perhaps even more disturbing was the kind of foods they are forced to eat out of pure necessity. I cannot imagine what it would be like to go into a grocery store and find no fruit or vegetables! No wonder there is an obesity epidemic in this country. The only type of food that is even half-way affordable is a full range of carbs!

And despite the good intentions of the “faith-based” NGOs that are trying to help, the foods they are able to provide are completely processed, filled with preservatives and artificial coloring. As the young woman teacher who distributed food bags said, “At least it is food,” although she cringed as she said it.

And then this is the dilemma faced by people at or near the poverty line, as was illustrated by a young, unmarried woman with two children. Unemployed and on public assistance aka food stamps and welfare, her two young children were provided with breakfast and lunch at the daycare. She was so excited when she finally got a job at $9 an hour. But then, food stamps stopped and the children didn’t qualify for free meals. She was over the qualifying limit! What can she do? Give up her hopes and dreams of a better life? Or let her children go hungry? This is why people can’t get off welfare! Yes, she was gainfully employed, something she really wanted, but now was unable to feed her children. $9 hour is not a living wage. So she is stuck in a system that is broken with  no signs of being fixed.

It all boils down to big agribusiness who get fortunes in subsidies, lobbyists and greedy politicians. Why oh why can these people not see they are killing this country?

I suppose greed kills.

Another Year…

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IMG_0998004So today is my birthday and I am having a very difficult time believing that I am the age I am! How can that be? My mind tells me one thing, my body and the mirror tell me something different!

I do know one thing, though! My life at this age is a whole lot different – and I think better – than our parent’s and their parent’s lives. I know I don’t act the way they did. Some may say that’s not such a good thing but for me it is. When I look around at people my age and a bit older, I KNOW! I just do, that I can never be that way. And unfortunately, those are types are in the majority, especially where I live.

So what is that telling me? Same thing it’s been telling me, hell, shouting at me for at least the last year.

Don’t get me wrong. This location is idyllic – for someone – and at times, for me. It is the ideal situation for a peaceful getaway, a retreat, or for a couple of lovebirds who are wrapped up in each other and don’t need or want anyone else around.

This is my backyard. Mr. Heron standing watch, keeping all the mallards from approaching the small bank where they love to roost and forage. 

Susan spent a couple of days down here with me recently and she completely unwound and enjoyed the beauty of the place. The bird life is amazing and just the peace and calming of water on my back doorstep is restorative. There are many times I simply stand at the French doors, watching the water, the birds, the sky. However, the door is closed 90 percent of the time because it is just too damn cold!

And there lies the rub.

I don’t have a solution yet, just a lot of ideas and steps I need to take to handle things. It is slowly coming together and I hope that I will have everything under control soon so I don’t have to spend another winter here. It is just too depressing.

It looks like it is going to be a pretty day, so if it warms up enough, I may be able to get outside to do some well-needed weeding and garden clean up. And I expect Skype calls from around the world and phone calls from down south, all of which will really make my day. And I will probably work on a vision board and try to make sense of where I am, what I want and where to I want to be.

Bring on another year!

These a fun pix I took yesterday over in Port Gamble – lots of color!

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I Forget Sometimes

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When everything feels overwhelming, I have to remind myself why I am doing all this – because I get so immersed in the minutia of things, that I lose track of my goal – to get out of here with the properties taking care of themselves and perhaps, even generating a little income! I just forget!

After last week’s bombshell from my ex, which has absolutely no merit, (and even less as I think about it) and my initial freak-out, after talking to Mick, I got back on track and spent the week taking care of getting the rental house rented, going back and forth to Port Angeles – 106 miles round trip. An expensive exercise, but worth it in the end. Fortunately, the weather wasn’t too shitty, so the drive was pleasant, the snow-covered mountains were out and the roads relatively dry! I vetted four possible tenants and chose the one I hope will be the best! She is so excited about the place and anxious to be in there. I should have the full payment and deposits on Tuesday, Monday being a holiday for some, like banks.

So with that handled, I need to make a decision about this house. I’ve thought about doing a summer rental and ran an ad on craigslist to see if there was any interest, but nothing so probably need to rethink that option. By April, I will be back on track and back to normal payments so renting it out is an option – but then the big question is, where do I go? Somewhere warm I would hope but without a steady income, it makes taking off rather iffy. But Susan is planning on leaving for Colorado in July, trading in cold, wet, gray winters for icy, dry and sunny winters. So that leaves me even more isolated down here.

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Even when they are being a pain, they are cute.

And of course, there are my kitties. These little creatures are what has kept me sane the past few years. So they would have to go with me. A problem!

Since finding good-tasting gluten-free bread is difficult, I’ve been making my own. It’s so much easier now to find the right ingredients, all the GF flours like quinoa, rice and coconut are available and there are even baking mixes. So I have developed a really good recipe with a good flavor and texture and have been making it for Susan and Dan too. He is diabetic and as a lot of these flours are much lower glycemic and higher protein than regular flour, they end up being good for him. Both Susan and I have gone off wheat/gluten and I know I feel really good on it. I don’t think I am allergic to it, but I just feel better.

Today is DVD shipping day, we had a good week last week and it looks like another good one next week. It’s rather fun watching the auction each day, wondering why on earth anyone would pay good money for some of the really junky movies and pass up what I would consider classics and good watching. To each his own, I guess. Tomorrow I will post the new ones for their 5 day run. Time consuming, but I don’t really have anything else pressing so…

I saw the first primrose pushing it’s little head up today. Bright pink splash in the dark. Spring is just around the corner, days are significantly longer, thank goodness. We have actually had quite a mild winter with just two frosts so far and the only snow was over Christmas when I was in SoCal.

My eye is healing…slowly…but the doctor is happy with how it is closing up and I have to go back in April. There should be no scar, he says. It doesn’t look bad now and unless you are right in my face, you probably wouldn’t even notice.

The sun is trying to come out so I am going outside for my Vit. D.

 

Still Winter With a Glimmer of Spring

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Here it is February already and I don’t feel any closer to resolution on anything! Of course, weather plays a big part in how I feel and as it is still very much winter here, it doesn’t help much. This morning is frosty but it looks like it might be clear later, much as it was yesterday when I actually spent some time outside, clearing out some of the dead stuff, waiting for spring.

Some of the tulips are pushing their way out of the soil! They must be as anxious for spring as I am.

Some of the tulips are pushing their way out of the soil! They must be as anxious for spring as I am.

There are signs that spring is on its way – days getting longer, the irises are showing their heads, my pot of tulips is growing nicely so these are all signs that the world is turning as its supposed to.

My life is in a stall at the moment. With money so tight, and my eye still not really healed, I don’t go anywhere unless I absolutely have to, which means staying at home here at the end of the world with my kitties for company. This weekend I will go to Port Angeles to check the tenants out of the house there. I have an ad running for new renters and have had a couple of bites but nothing definite as I can’t show the place until the current tenants are gone. I have seen inside and they did a good job of painting and cleaning the place up, but this summer the exterior will need to be painted – cha ching!

In October, I gave myself six months to get the modifications etc. completed and here it is – basically, six weeks from the end of March, my deadline. Doesn’t look like I’m going to make that deadline after all.

Betsy suggested I test the waters with an ad to rent this house out for the summer. It’s around this time people are looking for their summer getaways. I don’t know where the kitties and I would go but right now, I am just looking at options. If someone wants to rent the place for 4-5 months, that would handle my mortgage for the year; I could just lock this place up and leave for the nasty months.

I don’t know…

My eye is slowly getting better. Once I stopped using the antibiotic cream, which it turns out I was allergic to, and just use the Kangen acid water and a moisturizer, it is so much better and it is finally healing. It’s been a month now – I normally heal so fast! So this is very frustrating.

I’ve been updating ColbyCommunications and that has been entertaining, reading all my old articles. Country Life was a lot of fun and so many of the other sailing and boating articles were good too! I’m going to be doing an interesting story in March. Some of the pilots at Kenmore Air, the seaplane company that the magazine is for, do water testing in the Puget Sound and I am going to go out with them. And another I am doing is on the Dragon Boats in Seattle. Both will be fun and although I get paid about zilch, it will be good to get my hand back into the writing game again. I am also going to track down Sandy and Andrew Butt and do an article about their olive orchard up on Pender Island. I will fly up there on one of the seaplanes, spend the night at an inn there, do a an article about the Inn and then go to the orchard. That’s my plan, I just need to contact Sandy and Andrew! This won’t be until May or so as the planes don’t fly up there until then – shut down for the winter.

A Push to Update My Web Site

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kingfishers

This little kingfisher was very happy yesterday – I missed the actual plunge but one second he was on the bowsprit, the next the water was disturbed and then he was back with the fish that went down with one gulp!

So that was my entertainment for the day. Oh, and the otters were out again, playing and lounging on the dock. They are so entertaining!

My eye is finally healing. I discovered that I am allergic to the ointment I was supposed to use. It’s difficult assessing a wound on your eye when you have to take your glasses off to do it, but I realized, with the aid of a magnifying glass that it was causing blisters, so wasn’t healing. Just hope it doesn’t leave a scar. I am only using the Kangen acidic water now, which I was using in conjunction with the ointment. I will be glad when this is done!

pageI have a lot of time on my hands at the moment. With the not very encouraging news from ecology – treat it like a hobby until they throw money at us – I decided to update my colbycomm web site. I was encouraged to do it after Evie posted a Pumula Hotel picture on Facebook and I found I didn’t have the article I did for Country Life on the site. So immediately scanned and put it up. I so loved that job at Country Life. Sigh…

So I am going to rescan my whole portfolio as this scanner I have now does a much better job than my old one; at least you can read the .pdfs. It will be fun to do especially now as I am so used to working with wordpress, it won’t take that long and as I am going to need to promote myself to get some dollars flowing, it will be good the site is current.

I am a Believer – in Synchrodestiny

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Today I became a true believer. There are no coincidences. None. Never. Ever.

This morning, with not a lot of forethought other than stopping for gas and picking up my sewing machine to take to a different Bernina technician, I got in the car and headed out. It wasn’t raining, just cold and gray. I barreled down Beaver Valley Rd, a two-lane road that is known for police speed trapping and many accidents on the bends. But I just tootled along at the speed limit, an old pickup truck several good car lengths behind me.

First stop, gas at the cheap station attached to the supermarket. I pulled into the pump and rummaged for my card. As I got out of the car and started the process – special customer number, bank card etc., I noticed the following truck pull up behind me and a youngish guy got out, walked up to me and said, “Did you know your back wheel is about to fall off? It’s going like this,” waving his hands like a snake. Of course, I didn’t know it, as the Jeep has so many squeaks, squawks, rattles and shakes that if a loose tire was making any new noises, they would have blended into the other cacophony of sounds.

“Will it make it to Port Townsend?” I asked, thinking I would drive slowly and carefully the next 8 miles to the guys who mounted the tires in June.

One word, “No.”

“Do you have a lug wrench?”

I had no idea what was in the hidden compartments of the Leaky Beasty.

Hhhmmmm… as I’m filling the tank wondering what the hell I was going to do. Next thing I know is my good samaritan had a lug wrench out of his truck and was kneeling down to tighten things up! “I can tighten these with my fingers!” as he spun the wrench.

About this time, I start to realize how lucky I was and how there are no coincidences. How many times have I driven Beaver Valley Rd with no one behind me? The road is notorious for accidents! I could easily have been one of those crosses marked with plastic flowers along side the road! How many people would have followed me and made a point of telling me, and then stepping in to make it safe enough to get to the repair shop?

And isn’t it telling that just this morning, the Deepak Chopra meditation was titled, “Living Synchrodestiny,” and that is what I had been thinking about as I drove. And it wasn’t even today’s meditation – I missed a couple and am two days behind in the program.

Makes you think, doesn’t it?

The outcome is Bill came to the repair shop with the winter, studded tires and the tire place swapped the summer tires for the winter ones. The one that was ready to fall off was retired as the holes were no longer round!

So now I am set for the winter, will have the lugs checked for tightness on Friday and thank my lucky stars, the young man who helped me and whoever is watching over me for the lucky coincidence!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Abundance

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It is winter – no getting around that. There’s no color left on the trees; all the leaves are turning to mush on the ground. It’s dark when I get up and dark when I go to bed and the in between is low light. Except for a few very welcome “sun breaks,” when the air is crisp and the light so sharp and clear the sky turns deep blue.

Those are the times I make a break from the house and get some fresh air. And if it’s not too cold, will actually crack the windows a bit to get some of that freshness back in the house.

This morning, the clouds are hanging very low and it poured all night, drumming down on the metal roof. That’s a sound I enjoy, evoking memories of tropical rains and steamy nights.

Oh well….

So what’s happening in my life?

Not much has changed and yet a lot has changed – in my mind, I think.

Up until just very recently, I was very angry about the way my life has turned out, with a lot of blame being directed at a certain person. I didn’t feel good about it; it goes against my nature. So I started a meditation program Betsy told me about, the Deepak Chopra 21 day Meditation Challenge. The focus is Abundance, and heaven knows I need all I can get! But what it has revealed to me is that I am surrounded by so much abundance in so many areas of my life, and that if circumstances had been different, perhaps I wouldn’t have seen this.

I am only lacking in one area – money – but what has happened is this.

I have always, for as long as I can remember, done everything for myself, been self sufficient, a survivor, you name it. I didn’t need anyone else and a lot of the time, being that way has been a necessity, given the past relationship. But I have found that there is a huge amount of help out there – if I just surrender the control and ask for it. And understand that the safety nets are there for a reason.

The metaphysical “Ask and it is given” actually works. The hardest part for me is asking – for help, for assistance, for anything. In some cases, it’s not the result of “please may I have” but more a flow of abundance, stuff, etc that shows up.

For instance, since I landed back up here in the Northwest:

  • I have my house (at least for a while) by working with the lender and negotiating new terms
  • Dear Bill has loaned me the Leaky Beasty Jeep to get around in
  • The loan modification on the Port Angeles house is being finalized; the tenants are paying regularly and finally! changed the utilities to their name
  • It looks like I can get a loan mod on the condo and even though the (almost) original lender changed the locks, the new loan people paid to have the locks changed and gave me the keys so I can get it rented out. This will make it more attractive to the lender and hopefully easier for the modification
  • Because I have so little cash (but am blessed with what I do get) I asked for, and now receive assistance with my heating bill (no cold nights here) and food. And, very important, my doctor and medical is covered 100 percent as I am so low down on the payment sliding scale that I qualify for care. And not just a clinic. I get to go to my own doctor and any others and the hospital in the group
  • My photos are selling on the stock photos sites; not enough to change the status quo, but a nice boost to the ego
  • I picked up the Editor position for Harbors Magazine and Around the Pacific Northwest. Again not big on financial abundance, but a nice credit on my resume
  • Hinckley and Buddy are healthy and a great source of comfort. What would I do without my boys?
  • And yesterday, my Mother’s Day gift from Ryan arrived. A brand new iPhone 5, just in the nick of time as my old Blackberry was about to give up the ghost

And although I had absolutely no intention of being here, especially through another winter, I am actually feeling good about it. Ryan is healthy and doing well in his job which he loves. His relationship with Les is wonderful. Cody and Mel and the little boys are happy and Cody moving forward with his Paramedic training which he starts in January. And loving his EMT/firefighter job. “It’s the best job in the world. I get to help people all day long,” he said.

So I would say I have things pretty good. My friends are close by (perhaps not close enough, given that I live at the end of the world) and family is within easy flight. Some of them anyway. I have Skype and FaceTime for those out of driving range.

I better go meditate now so I can fill in the abundance gap, or perhaps what I perceive as a gap. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. I guess sometimes it just takes some of us longer to get it.

Life’s Lessons to Learn?

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With all the rubbish I have had to deal with the last few years, I keep wondering what the lessons are to be learned. Surely, I didn’t ‘attract’ all of it? I consider myself a positive person, looking on the bright side of things; a survivor, I’ve been told. Although, I must say, there were times when I really and truly wondered if I would survive!

And I wonder, Is that good? Is it bad? Does it mean anything at all?

Here I am, getting close to being in my mid-sixties, still trying to figure things out.

And perhaps – mind you, I’m not sure of this at all – the lesson is not to plan anything. Not to wish for anything. Not to want anything. Just do what is in front of me. As they say in AA, One Day at a Time.

I can do the ‘one day at a time’ thing, living in the moment, but the not wishing and dreaming goes against the grain. Accepting where I am, as in where I am physically, is doable, especially when the weather cooperates, but accepting what has gone on and the injustices are the hard part. Then I have to avoid the pity party bit, give myself a kick in the ass and keep on keeping on.

   

I think about my wonderful family and friends – and kitties – and know that without them, I would never have made it this far.

The relationship that dragged on all those years, (we know who I am talking about) has taken its toll on me in a million ways that I won’t go into. Suffice it to say, I look at people with a jaundiced eye now, wondering if I can trust my judgement of them. Whereas before, I accepted people at face value; I was far too trusting, always believing in them. Now? Not so much.

Something I will have to work on correcting. I liked me better when I wasn’t so judgmental! Perhaps that’s just a knee jerk reaction and will wear off with time – and when there are no more dealings with a psychopath.

 

So Here For the Summer

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The house is clean, the yard semi-done but this time of year, it seems like it constantly needs care.

The main reason I am here, the kitties, are fine. They were sort of freaky when I first got here. I think Chris was not here much at all – from their behaviour and the state of the place.

It is just amazing to me that someone can spin out like that, be totally illogical and paranoid. This episode is far worse than any I have experienced around him – and I have seen a lot! All because he didn’t want to sign a rental agreement! Oh well, his loss.

So I have a roof over my head and a place for the summer. Then who knows?

It’s been raining for the last couple of days and not getting much above 55F (12C) so not pleasant at all. However, this hasn’t stopped the osprey from fishing. Every evening, around 5 he shows up (or she, not sure!) and cruises and fishes the estuary. The image is shot with my new camera, zoomed to 600! Pretty amazing for a little camera like this! Love it!

I keep hearing that ecology is going to produce and keep holding the vision but my enthusiasm for the project is waning. So once again, looking for something else to do! But it is very discouraging – same reasons as always – bad economy, wrong age, wrong industry. But will keep on keeping on.

I think when the weather improves, I will feel better.

On a more cheerful note, Ryan is doing fantastically well as is Cody! So then I think – what else really matters?

Psyching myself up

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I sometimes doubt myself and what I am doing. Wondering if I am strong enough to do this on my own. And I know that Susan is only planning to be down in Panama for a short time, so I am basically on my own.

My friends think I am a fearless adventurer, and at heart I am. Hell, I was when I was really young! Absolutely fearless – or maybe just too naive. But regardless, I have to wonder if I still have it, whether I can still go out, traipsing around the world on my own, a single baby boomer woman.

I do know that I enjoy doing things and going places with someone. They give me the impetus to get out and do stuff. I’m afraid that I might get stuck somewhere and not get out and experience the people and cultures if I am on my own.

So I have to figure that out – but as I sit here writing, I realize that this is the impetus I need. I remember how good, successful and adventurous I felt in South Africa, heading out off the beaten track to interview some little African woman and photograph the bead work she was doing. And how much fun it was to visit the game lodges and beaches and hotels, getting stories and photos. Visiting the women’s groups as they struggled to survive; spending those 10 days in Zululand, 4-wheeling through sand traps and all the excitement. That is what I am supposed to be doing – and I CAN do it on my own.

It wasn’t that long ago that I went following sailboats across the Atlantic, taking ferries and trains and boats and planes! Ending up spending the night in a red light district; visiting castles and all sorts of other amazing places.

So can you guess? I am psyching myself up to go it alone – again!

The days are skimming by, and now I must set some deadlines for myself. When to book my flight, when to sell the car, when to buy the V-Lux 30, when to book language school and very importantly, when to send out pitches to all the publications, blogs and online magazines about this new adventure of mine.